


Leave No Man Behind

by Mademoisellesnowflake



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Angst, Def some Portamis in the second chapter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-20 07:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14890092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mademoisellesnowflake/pseuds/Mademoisellesnowflake
Summary: The fragile peace Athos has is broken by a hanging figure. Everyone deals with it a little differently.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was talking with Miuku in tumblr and we got another idea for a fic and here we are. (Needless to say that it has some allusions to Savoy because apparently everything does.)
> 
> Warning for an attempted suicide in the fic - no one dies but the scene might be disturbing!

Athos had been tasked to bring out some weapons from the smaller armoury when he heard the noise of a chair or something similar falling. He frowned as the smaller armoury was rarely used and there was no reason for anything in that specific room to fall down as there was nothing in there that could make it fall. He made sure to walk as quietly as he could to see what was going on inside the room and not to alert whoever was inside. As he reached the door, he took in one steadying breath before opening it.

His heart almost stopped as he saw what was inside.

Aramis was dangling from a rope that was attached to the ceiling. On the floor, there was a small chair that had fallen down, most likely because Aramis himself had kicked it. For a moment, Athos could only stare at the sight of Aramis dangling from the rope, just like Anne had.

Just like Anne had…

Athos gathered himself and rushed inside the armoury to help Aramis. He cut the rope from Aramis’ neck and gently placed him on the floor to revive him. His heart jumped into his throat when he realised that Aramis wasn’t breathing at all.

“Breathe, Aramis, you have to breathe”, Athos muttered as he tried to make Aramis’ chest move again. “Think of what Porthos will say if he finds out that you’ve died. Think of the people you’re leaving behind!”

As Aramis remained unmoving and unbreathing, Athos grew more and more distressed. He was no medic or surgeon but even he knew that the longer a person went without breathing, the more chance they had of dying. In his desperation Athos began hitting Aramis’ chest, hoping to wake him.

If Aramis wouldn’t start breathing, he would die just like Anne had, just like Athos had killed her. Athos’ chest hurt at the thought of losing Aramis the same way as he’d lost Anne – except that in Aramis’ case Athos would have only been too late to save the man, unlike in Anne’s case where Athos had killed her.

Killed the woman he had loved so dearly…

“Breathe, you goddamn idiot!” Athos shouted. “You survived; you can’t leave us now!”

With one final hit to Aramis’ chest, the unconscious man suddenly drew a breath. And then another.

However, Athos had no idea of it as the memory of Anne’s death had made him too distressed. He was hyperventilating, and his mind was elsewhere as Aramis’ eyes fluttered open. Athos backed down until his back hit the wall behind him.

“’thos?” Aramis asked weakly. “What’s going on?”

Athos shook his head as tears sprung into his eyes. He couldn’t breathe or speak at all. The memories of Anne and Thomas were too much for him to handle. The thought of Aramis being added to the list… it was too much.

Athos curled into himself and sobbed.

* * *

Athos was taking longer than he should have in the smaller armoury. Porthos had gone to see why it was taking Athos so long in the armoury where all the weapons should have been rather easy to find. Unless Athos had fallen down and hit his head – which was very unlikely – Athos should have found everything in less time than it was taking him.

When he heard hysteric sobbing and confused questions in the armoury, Porthos frowned. What could have happened there to make someone cry hysterically like that? Who was the confused person in the armoury? Had something happened?

As Porthos reached the armoury and saw what was actually going on, he gasped. Aramis lay on the floor, confused and mumbling weakly while Athos was hyperventilating and sobbing as he sat leaning against the wall and curled into himself.

“Athos?” Porthos asked softly. “What happened?”

As Porthos placed his hand on Athos’ shoulder, Athos swatted it away, screaming something unintelligible. The only words Porthos could make out were “Anne” and “Thomas” as Athos’ voice was too hoarse from crying to actually be understandable.

As Athos could seemingly not be consoled, Porthos decided to take care of Aramis first. He turned to the man who was still on the floor, seemingly very distressed as well. Porthos noticed the rope on the floor near Aramis and suddenly it all hit him with nauseating clarity.

Aramis had tried to take his own life.

“I’m sorry”, Aramis whispered weakly. Porthos knelt next to Aramis and gently pulled the man into a sitting position and a secure embrace. He rocked Aramis back and forth as the young man mumbled over and over again, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright”, Porthos said into Aramis’ hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Will you let me carry you to your room where you could rest, and I can come back here to take care of Athos?”

Aramis nodded against Porthos’ shoulder and allowed Porthos to lift him up. Porthos noticed absently how much Aramis was shaking and how erratic his breathing was. Porthos squeezed Aramis a little and turned to look at Athos who was still shaking on the floor.

“Don’t go anywhere”, Porthos said. “I’ll be back soon to help, Athos.”

Later, Porthos would realise how unsettling his calmness had most likely been. His friend – very dear friend – had just tried to take his own life and Porthos was dealing with it calmly like a medic. It wasn’t that he didn’t like medics, the just took things way too calmly for his liking. He felt like shouting, but he knew that if he did so, he wouldn’t be able to help Aramis and Athos who needed him.

As Porthos left the small armoury, he saw one of the new stable boys – Pierre, if he remembered right – walking towards them. Porthos called out for the boy and asked for him to make sure that no one went into the armoury. The boy nodded, seemingly proud that he was needed for something important for once. Porthos smiled a little as he carried Aramis to their shared room. There Porthos lowered Aramis on the bed and brushed his hair away from his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Porthos, I really am”, Aramis whispered. His eyes were filled with tears and his breathing was erratic, no doubt caused by the pressure his throat had endured. “It hurt so much, and I couldn’t see a way out…”

“Hush”, Porthos whispered and leaned down to kiss Aramis’ forehead. “What is done is done. I’m just glad you couldn’t go through with it because I would have missed you if you’d died. Now, do you think you can be alone here for a moment when I go help Athos?”

Aramis nodded and Porthos pressed another kiss on his forehead. Porthos smiled sadly as he walked out of the room, leaving Aramis alone. As Porthos hurried back to the small armoury, he hoped that Athos had calmed down at least a little. The way he’d screamed when Porthos had approached him, it had been the sound of a man who had lost someone recently.

When Porthos reached the armoury, he noticed that Athos was still curled into himself. Porthos set out to clean up any remaining evidence of Aramis’ attempt at his own life before helping Athos. Having soon cleaned everything, Porthos turned to Athos once more, only to see him rocking back and forth.

“Athos”, Porthos whispered as he knelt down in front of the shaking man, “do you think you can get up? Go to my room to stay with me and Aramis? I'll need to clean here so that no one will find out what happened; will you be able to wait a little if I do that?”

“Just give me a moment”, Athos whispered. “I need a moment before I can look at Aramis.”

“I understand”, Porthos said and stood up so he could begin cleaning up the armoury. He needed to hide all the possible evidence of Aramis’ attempt and possibly burn the rope Aramis had used so no one would find out what it had been used for.

When Porthos was done, he turned around, looking at Athos. He had stood up and was leaning against the wall, his legs shaking and his gaze hollow. His eyes were red and puffy, and it was clear to Porthos that Athos couldn’t stay alone that night.

It would be a long night with the two broken men, Porthos knew.

* * *

“What on earth do you mean?” Treville hissed. Porthos had knocked on his office door in the evening and come in with grave news. Aramis had attempted suicide in the small armoury and Athos had been a witness to the scene.

“I mean what I said, captain”, Porthos told. “Aramis tried to kill himself. I thought I ought to tell you, even though he doesn’t want me to. He needs help, but I don’t know how to do that.”

Treville massaged his aching temples. Aramis had been doing better after he and Athos had buried their feud and actually gotten to know each other. For Aramis to have fallen back to the self-destructive mindset… Treville didn’t know what to do to help the poor man. He didn’t want to lose Aramis’ easy smiles and kind heart that had originally been the key for recruiting the young man – no, just a boy back then. He didn’t want to lose the one person who had occasionally driven him mad but who had always shown others kindness when they most needed it.

He didn’t want to lose Aramis.

“Take me to him”, Treville ordered. “I need to see him with my own eyes.”

Porthos nodded and wordlessly led Treville to the room he shared with Aramis. There, Aramis was sitting on his bed, hugging himself, while Athos was sitting on the other bed, his head buried in his hands. Treville’s chest tightened as he saw how wretched the two men looked like.

“Captain?” Aramis asked with a small voice. His eyes were wide, and he reminded Treville distantly of a caged animal. “Whatever Porthos told you, I didn’t do it. Please, captain, I can’t lose my commission to the musketeers! It’s the only place I have left, captain; I don’t want to go back to the seminary!”

Aramis’ desperation shattered Treville’s heart – or what had been left of it, Treville would think later – and made Treville sit down next to Aramis and pull him into a hug. At first Aramis stiffened but as he understood that Treville was trying to comfort him, he melted into the hug, letting Treville comfort him.

“Why did you end up doing it?” Treville asked. “We’re right here and we’re more than willing to help you. Did we not tell you that enough times? Should we have done something differently?”

“No”, Aramis whispered. “You did all you could. It was never your fault.”

 _Oh, but it was_ , Treville wanted to say. _It was my fault because I let the cardinal use you and my men for his own gain._

Treville held Aramis even tighter as the young man shivered. He saw Porthos sitting next to Athos and saying something to the man. Athos looked up and his eyes softened a little as he saw Treville holding Aramis.

“If you ever need help”, Porthos said softly, “you can always come to us. I know it feels like a gigantic leap of faith to you right now but please believe that we’re more than ready to catch you whenever you decide to take the leap.”

“We’re not leaving you behind”, Athos whispered. “We won’t leave even one man behind, not if I have any say in it.”

“Athos is right”, Treville said. “We aren’t going to leave you behind, not even when you doubt yourself. You’re a king’s musketeer and we will make sure you will feel like one of us again.”

Treville hoped, from the bottom of his heart, that Aramis would believe them. He wanted to make sure that the man wouldn’t suffer any long-lasting effects from the cardinal’s evil plans. He had already suffered more than enough – Treville knew it better than anyone. He remembered how the boy had cried after his first battle and how he had called for Isabelle – a name Treville would come to know later at even more painful circumstances.

He only wished Aramis was strong enough to heal himself as well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Porthos finally has a reaction to Aramis' suicide attempt. Cue lots of hugs and kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was given too many ideas and here I am, adding chapters to my one-shots yet again. Some not-so-subtle Portamis is to be expected here as well as Athos appearing at weird moments.

Things were okay – well, mostly at least. Aramis had mostly recovered, Athos was no longer avoiding anyone, and Porthos was in higher spirits. They all were still a little shaken after Aramis’ attempt on his own life, but they were recovering and finding their pace in life again. They worked, ate, and slept as any other musketeer, who wasn’t weighed down by their friend trying to kill himself. Porthos hugged Aramis a bit more than normal but no one commented on that as they’d all heard that Aramis had been feeling ill and assumed that a possibility of a sickness had most likely scared Porthos.

Life was peaceful for the trio. At least, until they witnessed a group of men that had been hanged at the courtyard of the Châtelet. Aramis frowned, looking uncomfortable, and sent up a short prayer for the men. He didn’t want to interrupt their mission to escort a prisoner to the red guards.

Porthos, on the other hand, froze completely when he saw the men. His face blanched for a moment, making Aramis worry.

“Porthos?” Aramis asked as the red guards were taking over the prisoner. “Is everything alright, Porthos?”

Porthos nodded slowly and the red guards snickered at the two musketeers. They threw some offhand comments about bad food at the musketeer garrison and inept soldiers who felt faint at the sight of dead bodies. Before Porthos could reach, Aramis shook his head and bid the guards a happy evening, ushering Porthos away from the Châtelet.

“Think I’ll head straight to the garrison”, Porthos said as the two left the fort. His voice was oddly high, as if he was trying to sound cheerier than he really was. Aramis frowned, feeling worried for his friend. “You coming too?”

“Yes, I think I will”, Aramis responded, smiling at Porthos. “I hope Serge has made some of his stew; I’m starving!”

“I don’t feel much like eating”, Porthos mumbled. “I guess I’ll go rest when we reach the garrison. Don’t much feel like seeing people now.”

Aramis looked at Porthos, feeling concerned for his friend. He knew that Porthos hadn’t had a reaction to his suicide attempt and Aramis knew that not having a reaction was a bad sign. He remembered how he had felt after Savoy, how miserable he’d been before his eventual breakdown. He hoped Porthos would never have to feel like Aramis had felt back then.

He just hoped he knew how to help Porthos.

When the two reached the garrison, Porthos immediately headed towards the room he and Aramis inhabited. Aramis stayed in the courtyard, chatting with some other musketeers and taking off his doublet – the day had been very warm, and Aramis felt like the doublet was too much. As he chatted with the younger musketeers, he kept glancing at the direction of the room he shared with Porthos. He couldn’t help the worry that he felt for Porthos.

After some time, Aramis excused himself and headed towards the room. He was tired and wanted to see if Porthos was feeling any better. Something in his gut told Aramis that he needed to be with Porthos, that Porthos needed some company.

As Aramis walked up the stairs and towards the room he shared with Porthos, he could hear soft, distressed sounds from the room. Aramis frowned, not understanding what or who could cause such sounds. He tiptoed towards the room, ready to attack in case of an intruder.

When Aramis opened the door, he encountered a heart-wrenching sight. Porthos was sitting on his bed, hunched over, and crying quietly. He was hugging himself as he sobbed. It made Aramis’ heart hurt as he understood the amount of pain his suicide attempt had caused on Porthos.

On the sweetest and kindest man Aramis had ever known…

Aramis promptly dropped the doublet and belts he’d carried and rushed to Porthos. He gathered Porthos into an embrace and sat halfway on his lap. As Porthos began crying even harder, Aramis kissed his hairline and began rocking him back and forth. Porthos held Aramis close so tight that Aramis knew he would be bruised in the morning but at that moment found that he couldn’t care about it one bit.

“God, I’m so sorry, Porthos”, Aramis whispered, kissing Porthos’ brow and hairline and cheeks and wherever he could. “I’m so sorry for hurting you like this. It was the men who had been hung, wasn’t it? That’s what made you feel so terrible?”

Porthos nodded against Aramis’ neck and continued crying. Aramis shivered, upset from understanding how much pain he’d caused to Porthos. He buried his face in Porthos’ thick curls and sniffled. He rubbed Porthos’ back, trying to comfort him and make him feel better.

In the spur of the moment, Aramis kissed Porthos on the lips. When he pulled away, Porthos looked at him, eyes wide and mouth opened just a little. The tears were still streaming down Porthos’ face as he leaned towards Aramis and kissed him gently on the lips. Aramis answered the kiss readily, pulling Porthos as close as he could.

As Porthos pulled away, he bowed his head and leaned on Aramis’ shoulder, still crying softly. Aramis held him close, rocking him back and forth.

“You can’t leave”, Porthos whispered in between of his sobs. “I don’t want you to leave. I don’t want to lose you. You’re important to me and you already survived through so much; I can’t bear losing you now.”

“I won’t”, Aramis promised sincerely. “I won’t leave you, Porthos. I promise I will live on; I will ask for help from now on if I hurt too much. Is that alright with you?”

Porthos nodded against Aramis’ shoulder and Aramis smiled.

Porthos was slowly calming down when there was a knock on the door and Aramis turned his head to look at the door. He saw Athos in the doorway, carrying a basket of food. Athos shrugged at Aramis’ questioning look and walked inside.

“I was going to get a tray but found out that Serge doesn’t have any”, Athos said. “I’ve got some bread, dried meat, and wine. I thought that’d help easing the sour mood.”

“A basket’s as good as anything else”, Aramis said, smiling a little and then turning to Porthos. “Do you think you’re up to eating anything Athos brought up? It might help you to feel better.”

“In a moment”, Porthos mumbled. “I just need to hold you a bit.”

Aramis smiled and leaned his head on top of Porthos’. Athos quietly set out three cups on the table and poured wine in all of them. He placed the basket on the table and took out some bread for himself, waiting for Aramis and Porthos to be ready before he’d start drinking the wine. When Porthos eventually let go or Aramis, Athos only offered the two cups of wine to the men, commenting on nothing the two had done.

“So, have the bad feelings been resolved?” Athos asked.

“Mostly”, Porthos mumbled. “I won’t want to be near any executing grounds any time soon, though. I thought I saw Aramis hanging from that noose at the Châtelet. Wasn’t nice at all.”

“I understand”, Athos sighed, “believe me, Porthos, I understand your feelings.”

Porthos nodded and stared at the floor, looking miserable. Aramis’ expression was full of sadness and remorse while Athos wore his well-known stoic look. None of the men wanted to address the pain Aramis’ attempt had caused to all of them.

“I’m sorry”, Aramis whispered. “I never meant to hurt either of you; I only thought I needed a way out.”

“I understand”, Athos said quietly. “You do know you can come to us if you feel like you can’t go on alone? Even the captain seems like he would help you in a heartbeat. We simply won’t leave you behind if that’s in our power, Aramis.”

“I know now”, Aramis whispered. “Thank you, Athos. Thank you both, for being here when I needed you. I’m so sorry I caused you so much pain.”

“All is forgiven, Aramis”, Athos said solemnly. “I only hope you know you can come to us any time.”

Aramis nodded and gave Athos an exhausted smile. It would have to be enough, Aramis thought, as he leaned on Porthos’ shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment. It would have to be enough for all three because they simply did not know how to mend the hurts any better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback gives me more ideas and is very much loved!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback feeds my soul and gives me more ideas to write, so it is very much appreciated!
> 
> Also if someone happens to be interested, I may be found as talvenhenki on tumblr!


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